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COMING OUT
I am officially coming out of the "second closet" so to speak. It's funny how life throws you a curve ball whenever you feel too set in your ways. From as far as I can remember, I always thought of myself as being a gay man. I told my parents when I was 17 and up until my early thirties, never questionned it comfortably sitting in the gay box so to speak. But then at one point, I started to have new feelings which completely threw me off balance.
I started to get these sexual fantasies about women and to say this took me by surprise really is an understatement. I always loved women but up until about the age of 31, never really thought about them in sexual terms. But then, I remember vividly being in the gym one day and spotting this woman. She was pretty enough but it was her chest which got me completely fascinated. She had these amazing breasts and to my complete surprise, I couldn't stop staring. I did it discreetly enough so she wouldn't notice and feel uncomfortable but this precise moment in my life had a very strong impact on me.
I didn't think too much about it at first and tried to forget it but then started to fantasize about big breasts more and more. And since in this digital age finding anything on the net is very easy, I started to look at pictures of naked women and in various states of undress and must admit I spent months doing this, as if trying to make up for lost time. I was in a way discovering the woman's body in all its beauty and for the first time in my life, in a highly sexualized manner.
I always had enormous crushes on many famous women over the years, from Barbarella (Jane Fonda at her most beautiful) to Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan) and always was a great admirer of the female beauty. But this was totally new to me, seeing a woman as a sexual being and feeling the excitement as I would look at all those striking specimen of the feminine half of the population. But there was one in particular which really triggered my sexual awakening so to speak: Angelina Jolie.
To say that Angelina Jolie is gorgeous is like saying that the sun is very hot or that planets are round. It's just obvious and nobody on earth could deny it. She is beautiful beyond words. And I am perfectly aware that most women don't even stand a chance of ever looking that way. She is like a goddess with the sort of flawlessness that can only exist through the prism of a fabricated world like show business.
I totally understand the world's fascination with her and Brad Pitt who has adopted her two kids and conceived together little gorgeous biological child Shiloh with her mother's lips. This child has been genetically blessed not unlike a lottery winner of genetic material. Brad and Angelina as a couple truly represent this sort of impossible standard of beauty and glamour. But also, ever since Brad hooked up with her, he become an even better person than he already was, with endless charity work and a pure love for humanity that is heartwarming to see. As for Angelina, you can sense the love pouring from every fiber of her being and she always uses her huge stardom for great humanitarian causes. One can't help being tremendously impressed and truly humbled by that. They both embody love in the broader sense of the word.
But to me, she was the catalyst of a self-discovery that would shatter my whole life but in a good way. There's always been speculations about Angelina's sexuality and she even admitted having had sex with women over the years. And now that she's in this highly publicized love affair with Brad, she become this huge icon with the world watching every move of the anonymity craving duo. Are they a couple or not? This was a question they never answered and only when Brad filed for adoption did it become a certainty.
Personally, I simply can't help but be fascinated by her magnificent face and amazing body. And I am stating right now that I'm in no way a deranged obsessed fan and I could always make the distinction between the image and the real person. But I gotta admit that for a long while, I was constantly looking at pictures of her as if trying to assimilate the gigantic power of her beauty. And she is the first woman who made me feel sexualized but as soon as that floodgate opened, I found myself with all these new feelings about women and it was really shocking to me. Angelina started all this but there is also Kylie Minogue of course...
I discovered Kylie quite late even though I had always been aware of her from her first hit "The locomotion" back in the 80s. She was pretty then but nothing like the gorgeous creature she would become later. But with her hit "Can't get you out of my head" she finally came back on the international scene even though she was always huge in Europe. And when I purchased her video compilation with many clips I had never seen, I fell in love with her. There are some clips like "Red blooded woman", Night like this" and "Spinning Around" that I watch constantly in which she has this sexual radiance I find irresistible.
Just like Angelina, she triggered some very powerful lust I didn't know I could feel. I was very sad to hear about her battle with breast cancer but she seems to be on the road to recovery and I wish her all the best. And I am perfectly aware that what I'm lusting after is only a fabricated image that has nothing to do with the real person but I can't help it. Just like many women since, she just took a piece of my heart and ran with it. Barely 5 feet tall, she is very petite but has this huge personality and sexual charisma which really gets to me.
As I was starting a career in the gay porn industry with my first movie in 2000 until I quit in 2006, I found myself getting more and more bored with sex to the point where I would spend months not even thinking about it. I got to the point where I would only have sex in the context of shooting a movie and this would drain me for months afterwards. And frankly, I was happy in that state because when you're not horny, you become so much more productive, at least in my case.
And it's around the same time I started to have these sexual feelings for women. I had a few real experiences and I loved it. But at this point in my life, I am not sure of anything. I mean, yes I finally admitted to myself that I am not gay but rather bisexual. But in a way, this makes things even more difficult. I have found out that I'm not a relationship person even though I can't help hoping I might fall in love someday even though I know it's practically impossible. Not because it couldn't happen but rather that I simply don't feel it. My personality is too taciturne and I need to much time alone to consider having a long-term love affair with anyone.
And also, I found that our society likes to put a very distinctive label on people like gay or straight. Bisexual is somehow a bit more vague and therefore, even more taboo in a way. But personally, I found that bisexuals are the most open-minded people you could ever hope to meet. Because we have to fight so many prejudices from both the gay and straight side ironically, we become even more empathic towards other people in general. I am now at the point where being in an environment like a gay club with only men is suffocating to me. I need girls around because they have this different energy and somehow, I yearn to find some balance with both men and women being represented.
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PERSEPHONE AND CHARMED...
Sigh... And then there was Monica... Man, is that woman GORGEOUS! I discovered Monica Belluci as "Persephone" in "The Matrix Reloaded". And like most men in America, the image of that breathtaking woman was forever burned in my psyche. The fact that Reloaded is in my top ten list of my favorite movies ever certainly helped. I have watched that particular movie hundreds of time and a section on this site about Neo, my ultimate hero, is coming. Even though I was somewhat aware of Monica before, it was with that movie that I really discovered her to the fullest. And after that, I started to collect Internet pictures of her which are a great source of pleasure for me.
Monica represents to many men the "perfect" woman. I have read so many praises and seen so much ogling of her on the web by numerous men of all ages and let me tell you, I totally understand their fascination. That body, hair, perfect facial structure... What's not to like? More like worship... Yeah, I'm in love with Monica too, the image not the person of course. But once again it's important the make the distinction because for me, it's always been cristal clear. I am perfectly aware that all those idealized images of feminine beauty have nothing to do with reality. But they give me so much pleasure that somehow, they transcend sex to a new level of love and acceptance of self. I need to look at images of beautiful women like I would at a work of art, to absorb and contemplate the beauty.
And even though I now admit having very strong sexual desires for women, I also realize that like most men I have this perfect fantasy in my head of what I would like to get in my bed but realistically, there is no way in hell I would ever get a woman like that. But ironically, I still get to appreciate them from a distance through their perfected public image and I love every second of it. I have had crushes on many female celebrities over the years and I usually tend to go for the rather tall, model-looking women with ample breasts and long hair, big surprise... Like Rose McGowan for example...
I always loved Rose, from the time I discovered her in the movie Scream as a blond in which she had a small part. I especially love her with dark hair as she looks like the perfect Goth princess around the time she was dating Marilyn Manson. Then I was thrilled when she joined the cast of Charmed alongside one of my other crushes Alyssa Milano. I love to watch Alyssa but must admit it traumatizes me whenever she gets the impulse to whack her hair off to the scalp which she has done many times over the years. I have this fixation about women's hair, I like it long and luscious. If a woman with gorgeous hair decides to cut it all off, it almost feels like the cutting of a limb to me. I don't know why but the long hair is a very very important aspect of my attraction to women in general.
I guess it all started at 10 when I spotted Barbarella with that long blond hair on the small screen from which I never recovered. If a full section about that cult movie is not proof enough, I don't know what is. But whether blonde, black brunet or redhead I love women with long hair, my sexual desire towards women is really connected with that fetish which is probably the only one I have. Women, they're beautiful creatures and I love them all...
Through all the tribulations in relation to my sexuality, I guess I needed to learn a lesson about human love. Even though I had the fantasy of finding the perfect lover for me for far too long, I am discovering as I grow older that love is a lot deeper than sex could ever hope to be. And that romantic love is a very small aspect of love in the broader sense of the word. I needed to discover that what every human being wants is pure, sincere love. Loving our parents, friends, humanity as a whole. I was trapped too long into this destructive and rigid definition of what love is and now, I want to love people for who they are, not for the sexual gratification or even romance, but for deeper reasons which makes our world a better place.
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